Monday, 14 October 2013

What's TBone Watching?

In the ongoing tradition of Hollywood spewing out duplicately themed movies in the same year, we saw both Olympus Has Fallen and White House Down were released this year.  Based on reviews and the cast involved, my money was on White House Down for delivering on a few hours of action-packed entertainment.

I chose poorly.

This is the worst movie I've seen this year.  Megan and Morgan had seen Olympus Has Fallen and debated for a bit but ultimately agreed that White House Down was the worse of the two.  Damn it!

OHF just looked to take itself so seriously on such a ludicrous concept.  Whereas WHD trailers and reviews suggested there would be some tongue in cheek.  And, honestly, Channing Tatum was also a factor in selecting WHD.  I was no fan of either G.I. Joe movie but his work on 21 Jump Street made me a huge fan.

For those reasons, I let my eyes glaze over the other warning signs.  The biggest of which was the character of the Precocious Eleven Year Old Kid.  There have been some annoying PEYOK's in cinema history but I do believe we have discovered the ultimate in annoying precociousness.  This movie has the absolute gall to propose that there exists in the world an eleven year old child who is not only a tremendous political junkie but is such a white house nerd that she has memorized the number of bathrooms in the presidential residence.

For that alone, fuck you.  But please don't tell me she also has a YouTube channel for discussing politics.  No, sir.  Fuck you, your ancestors, and any future generations that have the grave misfortune of sharing your tainted gene pool.

The fact that they didn't even attempt to avoid the cliche of the terrorists discovering that one of their hostages is in fact a loved one of the protagonist who is causing them so much trouble, made me think that this script was either written by a piece of automated, script-generating software or by a room full of oxygen-deprived baboons.

Other aspects of the script are equally preposterous.  For the type of movie I had hoped this would be, I'm willing to suspend some aspects of logic.  But that shell is fragile and if you keep hammering  on it with stupid decision after stupid decision, it will break and I will spend the rest of the movie heckling the fuck out of your wretched movie.

There were some entertaining action sequences and I was actually kind of shocked to find myself enjoying the movie at those rare moments.  But they didn't last beyond a few minutes.  Certainly not enough to make up for the other two hours of nonsense.

This was a massive pile of disappointment.  I can't help but wonder what kind of movie it would have been with somebody like Shane Black drafting the script.  But that's not the movie I watched.  This is the movie I watched and I think I'll be regretting that for quite a while.

Well, you know what?  I just downloaded a graphic to throw up on the page and now I see that this was a Roland Emmerich movie.  How did I miss that this was from the same guy that brought us The Day After Tomorrow and 2012?  Please disregard this article as I now blame myself entirely for not doing sufficient research before watching a movie.

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