Monday, 29 April 2013

Pre-Peanut Party

Time is ticking down.  Any day now, we could become parents.  Our lives will change drastically.  We will be responsible for the health and well being of a tiny, defenseless creature 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I think we're pretty prepared for that.  I know there won't be time for self-indulgent things like Playstation or movie marthons or binge drinking.  But until Peanut shows up, we're indulging away!

This was our pre-birth date weekend.  We had movie passes to shows and gift cards to The Keg and if we didn't use them now, it might be years before we get another chance.  So off we went to the theatre.  

Timing could have been better.  There's not much out for movies at the moment.  The big, event movie right now is Oblivion and, with no other viable options, we rolled the dice on that one.  Now, I'm not a Tom Cruise hater.  Everything I read about Scientology skeeves me out and it's impossible not to know that Tom Cruise is like some Grand Dragon in that little club house.  But when he's on screen I don't think about his personal life.  Unlike Mel Gibson.  So I'll give him a chance in almost anything.  And he's alright in this one.  Running and dodging and chasing, he fits the character.  That's fine.  And the movie looks incredible.  All the money is right on the screen.  Simply beautiful.  But it is so boring.  Easily a half hour too long.  And plot holes all over the place.  Really, the script is the big loser in this one.  Some interesting concepts but not enough to save the big mistakes.

And then it was dinner time.  Easily the highlight of the weekend.  After a month of salads and fish and ground turkey, it was time for a full blooded fucking steak.  And The Keg knows how to do a steak.  I know it's not fine cuisine but you just can't beat them for beef.  I behaved on the appetizer (spinach salad) and side dish (baked potato) but the blue cheese/roasted garlic crusted filet I had was all out decadence. Freaking amazing.  And I topped that dinner off with a full caffeinated coffee to boot.  Completely unhealthy but completely awesome.  Many thanks to the Robickles and Smelliotts and Bonfocos for their wedding gifts which we were finally able to enjoy on, what turned out to be, our 6 month anniversary.

Sunday was a much lazier day but we still had 2 more movie passes to burn.  And now we had a really tough decision to make.  After Oblivion, what do you watch?  Take a look right now at the movie listings and tell me what you would have gone to see.  Dawn and Jeff were a little late with their enthusiastic endorsement of Pain and Gain, so we literally said "Fuck it" and went and saw G.I. Joe: Retaliation.  Yup.  I was desperately hoping it could pass itself off as just some stupid fun but it ended up just being stupid.  So stupid.  The only good thing I can say about it is that it's not as stupid as the first G.I. Joe movie.  I could write an entire book, detailing the stupidity on display in each scene.  But it's not worth it.  Don't see this movie.  Ever.

Then, as penance for the steak dinner and the bucket of buttery salt I had at G.I. Joe, it was time for a nice, healthy vegetarian dinner.  I made a mushroom and leek galette.  Sounds fancy eh?  It's basically a mushroom, leek pie.  And I spent a good portion of the day processing, rolling, folding, and stretching the dough for this thing.  Not to mention washing and chopping a sink full of crazy expensive mushrooms.  And the end result looked great.  Like it was right out of a cooking show.  I was quite pleased with myself.  The only thing with a mushroom and leek galette though is that you REALLY have to like mushrooms and leeks to get through one of these things.  Jen bailed after a couple bites.  I managed to eat 90% of my piece with each bite becoming progressively more difficult to process.  So, ultimately, completely healthy and completely disappointing.  Meh, should stick to salads I guess.

So that was our big weekend.  We did zero baby stuff and just had fun.  It was really good to step back and take a deep breath before diving into parenthood.  There's a possibility that next weekend could be all about us again but if Peanut shows up early that'll be fine too.  I just hope G.I. Joe: Retaliation isn't the last movie I see in theatres for the next two years.

Friday, 26 April 2013

GO JETS G.... ach never mind

It was a night of conflict in the ole TBone household.  The Jets needed to win their last game of the season and hope that either the New York Rangers or Ottawa Senators lost their last two or three games respectively.  The only game on TV was Ottawa vs. Washington, so I found myself in the awkward position of cheering AGAINST my old team, the Senators.  Of course, my darling wife is still a true Sens Fan so there was a lot of yelling at the TV and at each other.  Our child will come to learn many bad words through the next hockey season.

I was scoreboard checking on my phone through the game and was crushed when the Rangers won their game in OT.  The Jets were even with Montreal so they were still in it.  They just needed the Sens to LOSE.  Again and again.  But they didn't.  They won with a Sergei Gonchar slapshot in overtime.  And with that the Jets season was over.

Being so close makes it that much more disappointing.  The honeymoon is over with getting the Jets back in Winnipeg.  Now we expect playoffs.  There is a tradition in Winnipeg of fruitless and crushing playoff runs but at least they were IN the playoffs.  Ah well, being that close does give hope that some tweaking will get the team there next year.

In the meantime, I guess I have to dust off my old Sens jersey and throw my full support behind Ottawa.  We are once again a household unified in the support of the Sens.  For the next 8 weeks anyways.

Go Sens Go!

Thursday, 25 April 2013


So yesterday was a big day.  A month after finding out my blood pressure was through the roof, I had an appointment with a nephrologist (kidney doctor) to review my case and hopefully give some guidance going forward.  

First off, the doctor and nurse were very impressed with my spreadsheet and chart, tracking my blood pressure over the last month.  After weeks of having my color-coded document completely ignored by the walk-in physicians and nurses, it was nice to finally get some appreciation of my geeked up spreadsheet.  I was especially proud of the management-friendly trend lines on the chart.

So with my home tracking looking good and my meds doing their job, we moved on to other matters.  My blood work results were great.  Even my cholesterol levels were superb (surprisingly).  I'd had an ultrasound done on my kidneys a couple weeks ago and that showed perfectly healthy kidneys.  So I've cleared all the serious diagnostic issues.  So what's left?  What could possibly explain my high blood pressure?  The doctor's best guess?  Sleep apnea.  He was 98% certain that the root cause of my high blood pressure was my snoring. Well, the root, root cause is that I'm overweight which started the snoring which lead to the high blood pressure.  But it was actually quite a relief to hear.  That's something that can be addressed easily and quickly.  

The weight loss still has to happen and I'm sticking to my program going forward but a night in a sleep clinic and sleeping with a darth vader mask for the indeterminate future sounds A-OK to me compared to the nightmares of surgeries I was conjuring up in my head prior to meeting with the nephrologist.

And I just have to say, I've had some not-so-kind words for the state of the K-W region's emergency rooms, but this whole experience has left me very appreciative of the entire medical staff at both St. Mary's and Grand River hospitals.  With the exception of one particular Judgy McJudgington nurse at St. Mary's, everybody else I have interacted with has been professional and supportive.  There's a piss poor selection of family doctors in the area but I'm feeling a lot better knowing the quality of support that's available at our hospitals.

Good times.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013


My hands have been killing me.  I've been in the shop quite a bit this last week and I'm constantly washing my hands with abrasive soap and drying them under that friggin jet stream of a hand dryer.  I am the poster child for dry skin.  There is a skin conditioner in the bathroom but I've been pretty wary of it since taking a face full from it the other day.  Jen has some "lady's" hand cream at home but I question its effectiveness.  So when Jen went out shopping last night, I begged her to pick up some normal hand cream.  Something designed for MEN!

And she exceeded expectations.  She came back with a BLACK bottle from Vaseline with the words FOR MEN blazoned across the front in bold, red font.  Yes!  No silky, potpourri smelling ridiculousness for my hands.  This would do the job and be quick about it.

One problem.  It reeks.  Apparently Vaseline thinks a manly hand cream should smell like a teenager who has recently discovered Axe Body Spray.  I'm driving in to work this morning and my eyes are watering from the vapors coming up off my hands.  It's worse than how I imagine the cast of Jersey Shore smells.  I'm going to go see if I can cut the smell with some transmission oil.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Welcome Grandma!

Holy crap, Jen just gave her grandma the address to my blog.  Everybody smarten up!  No more poop stories.  Or swear words!  Crap!  Now I've got to search and replace every single curse I've ever used on this thing.  What would be a suitable replacement word for "douchebag"?  "Odd-fellow"?  "Numbskull"?  It's like when your parents paid a surprise visit in University and you had to chuck all the empties down into the basement.

Hi Agnes!

Sunday, 21 April 2013

What's TBone Watching

I'm still working my way through the first season of Fringe.  Jen gave this series a "Meh" review so I'm watching it on my own and I'm still pretty engaged.  I'm also picking up on some very definite J.J. Abrams traits to this show.  The creator of Alias and Lost sure does love his lens flares and they are quite evident in this series too.  J.J. Abrams is also responsible for the Star Trek reboot and it was fascinating to hear the entire plot synopsis for that movie laid out in one scene where a conspiracy theorist who believed he was Spock was being questioned by the FBI.  And I just finished another episode where Leonard Nimoy was introduced as a pivotal character.  Fascinating.

What's TBone Not Watching

I am definitely not watching Hemlock Grove.  This is a new series of original content created for Netflix.  Reviews were mixed but one described it as a gorier True Blood.  That was intriguing so I turned on the first episode.  The opening scene was of a girl getting it on with a guy in a car.  The boobies were appreciated so I continued watching.  We then transition to a high school class where the girl from the car is now hitting on her female English teacher.  Hmm, lesbianism.  Very promising.  Then, on her way to hook up with her teacher, her car is attacked by some unseen monster.  She runs and hides in some shed.  Of course the monster finds her and we are treated to a scene of her screaming and being dragged out of this shed.  And then a close up of her hand grasping desperately to the door jamb but ultimately losing her grip as one of her finger nails gets torn completely out of her finger.



Too much for me.  I've watched horrific things in other movies.  Truly disgusting things.  Things I will forbid my future child from ever watching.  But that image of the finger nail was about 500 yards past my limit.

Hopefully Netflix keeps bringing us content outside of the established network system but this one is getting a pass from me.


Oh my, how my life has changed.  Just a month ago, if somebody had suggested I go out to dinner at a vegetarian restaurant, I would have laughed heartily in their face and gone back to eating a burger.  But things are different now.  So, when the Schmeckalowskis invited us out to a dinner at Zen Gardens in Cambridge, I accepted the challenge whole heartedly.

I was expecting a sparse meal that would leave me unfulfilled and eyeing the nearest Wendy's.  But I was wrong.  I ordered spring rolls, some tofu sushi, and something called "Teryaki Mushroom Cutlets".  All of these were delicious.  And so much food for not much money.  I barely touched the cutlets because I was already full.  And everybody else's meals looked just as good (except for the eggplant, yech).

So, my culinary world is expanding.  Zen Gardens is a chain, so if you have one in your area and you're looking for something different, definitely give it a try.

Friday, 19 April 2013

Half Day

So, 11:00 a.m. last Friday the power went out at work.  We shot the shit amongst ourselves for about half an hour.  Eventually the CEO came back to our office and said "You guys might as well head home".  Cool!  We hightailed it out of there as quick as we could lest the power miraculously returned before we swiped out.  That was a great afternoon.  Zero guilt about unfinished projects.  What can you do?  The power's out!

So THIS Friday afternoon we're working away and one of the ladies in accounting comes back and says "Do you guys know they docked us a half day vacation for that power outage?".  No, we did not know that.  Everybody scrambles to look up their on-line vacation form and, sure enough, we're all a half day short.

I'm not terribly upset about this but it seems kind of implied that when the CEO comes around and says "Take the afternoon off", he's saying that we're being given half a day off on the company.  Seemed like a stand up thing to do rather than making us sit around for the day and surf the internet on our phones.  Now it seems a little duplicitous and chintzy.  Ah well.  Those 3 weeks off after Peanut arrives are going to be that much sweeter.

Thursday, 18 April 2013


We finished our birthing class last night!  We are fully trained for the upcoming labour, delivery, and newborn care.  Boom.  Done.  That was nine hours of grueling proximity to other people but we managed to get through it unscathed.  The highlight occurred last night.  We were asked to bring a doll or similar stuffed toy with us to this final class.  We rummaged through everything we had the night before and found that only our Spartacat doll was anywhere near the dimensions of a baby.  So that's what we brought with us.

I was expecting to do some trial runs with diapers but we soon found out that the doll was to be used as a baby-substitute for practicing breast feeding positions.  As Jen pulled Spartacat out of her purse, there was some appreciative murmuring from across the room (obvious Sens fan) and also some snorts of disgust (obvious Leafs fans).  But the attention was worth it because watching Jen gently lift Spartacat to her boob was probably the funniest thing I've seen in my life.  I really wish I'd taken a picture as Jen jostled Spartacat around to try and get him to "latch" but I'm pretty sure she would have killed me.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Sunday, 14 April 2013


Standards for viewing entertainment don't get much lower than on a Sunday afternoon.  Priest happened to pop up on the What's New list on Netflix. It only came out in theaters a couple years ago and it starred some legitimate name actors so how bad could it be?  Ninja Priest Vampire Killer, that's how bad. The 5 minute opening scene had me laughing out loud as they laid out this ridiculous premise.

I watched the whole thing. I can say that much.  But I watched through widened eyes and with mouth agape as I wondered at how such a thing ever got greenlit past the scripting stage.

For such a bad movie, it scores surprisingly low on the cheez factor. It's a fine looking production with decent special effects and performances. But it would take a miracle of movie making to overcome that ninja priest premise.  Ah well, still a better vampire movie than Twilight.

Some Assembly Required

Day after baby shower is a day of organizing and assembling gifts.  This was one project:

I'm almost finished.  Just need to install the napping station.  But I seem to have run into an insurmountable obstacle:


Baby shower was yesterday.  I wasn't invited but I did manage to get some pics as I dropped off Jen.

Many thanks to Andrea and Dawn for organizing and to Jen's parents for hosting.  And to everyone for the great gifts!  We managed to fill the truck and we are fully prepared for Peanut's arrival.

Thursday, 11 April 2013


We had our second of three prenatal classes last night.  I stress about these classes.  The people who put them on are hippie-types and definitely want everybody in the class to come together and become friends by sharing experiences and bonding through humiliating physical activities.  Garg. 

So I wasn't looking forward to it as we sped through dinner and I went upstairs to put on some clean clothes.  Jen followed suit and, as I was waiting for her at the door, I sensed that the large salad portion I gobbled up for dinner might soon become an issue.  But then Jen came downstairs and I noticed that we had on matching colour shirts.  I was horrified.  We can't go to class in matching colours.  We'll be known as "that" couple, the "green" couple.

Jen insisted she wasn't going to change her shirt even though I picked mine first, dang it!  So I dash upstairs and swap shirts.  Now there is no time to deal with any digestive issues I might be having.

We head out and run smack dab into a traffic jam.  Now I'm beyond stressed.  I hate being late.  So we got off the highway and bounced around the city streets and managed to be only a couple minutes late.  But we got there and we weren't the last couple in so it's all good.  My stomach even seemed to have settled down.

That night we were learning about positions.  So I knew there was going to be some physical activity.  And moving around.  And squatting.  But I was feeling a little more confident.  The rumbling had subsided.  Jen and I had successfully made it through Supported Seating and Double Hip Press and now we just needed to get through Supported Squatting.  Jen and I grasped forearms and I braced myself as Jen lowered into a squat.  And then I helped lift her out of the squat.  And that's when it happened.

JEN farted!

I almost dropped her.  We were in an enclosed exam room with one other couple.  Thank god it didn't smell.  And it was just a single report, not a tremendous trombone output.  So we hoped the other couple didn't notice or wrote it off as a knee popping sound.  The only thing worse than being known as the "matching" couple would be the "farting" couple.  We quickly exited the room and avoided eye contact for the rest of the night.

One more class to go.  Thank god.

Money Shot

The jet driers at work are wreaking havoc on my hands.  Working on greasy vehicles, washing my hands every time I come back into the office, and drying them under a Mach 2 air stream has left them a tad dry and chapped.  Fortunately, the company provides a hand conditioner dispenser near the bathroom exit.  I'm not prone to having any issues with this dispenser and have successfully used it on a number of occasions.  Until yesterday.  When I pressed the dispenser to get some soothing moisturizer into my waiting hand, I must have pressed it with a little more verve than usual.  The cream ricocheted off of my hand and splattered in my face.  Right around the corner of my mouth.  And slowly dribbled down to my chin.

I was horrified to find myself acting out the final minutes of a porn scene.  Of course there were no paper towels around to clean myself up.  My only choice was to rub the cream into my face.  Yah, it was one of those days.

Sunday, 7 April 2013


Flipping through channels and stopped on the Oprah Network (shut up).  Some show that gives purchasing advice for women's needs.  They were talking about fertility products and were doing a bit at a fertility clinic. This is where I was introduced to the term "MASTURBATORIUM".  The room where dudes generate "samples".  I legitimately guffawed.


Jen asked me to pick up some perogies at the store. Saw these and was stunned. How do you go to market with that brand?

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Poop Show

The new diet has proved to be, erm, challenging.  Intestinally speaking.  My rigid poop schedule is a mess.  Things are no longer on schedule and there is nothing rigid about my output.  Given my aversion to the workplace men's room, this has lead to some very dramatic afternoons following a hearty kale salad lunch.  I haven't hit double digits in a single day yet but there have been enough trips to the loo the last two weeks to see me through every version of Angry Birds available.  I'm starting to think that such diets are effective only because of the frequent wind sprints to the nearest bathroom.

So there's my poop story.  I'll just sit here (in an undisclosed location) and watch my hit count explode.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Drug Problem II

I don't think I've ever had a prescription as an adult.  Not once.  I'm familiar with the concept.  I do watch TV and House's many exploits with prescription pads had given me, what I thought was, a thorough understanding of how the process worked.  I was introduced to the non-fiction process a couple weeks ago and everything went according to plan.  The doctor gives me a piece of paper, I give that paper to a pharmacist, I go away for half an hour, I come back and get the medicine.  Done.  Pretty straightforward.

Then the concept of refills was introduced.  Last week the doctor added a new drug and refills for my current drugs.  Still seemed pretty straightforward.  I take the piece of paper to the pharmacist, wait half an hour, then I get the new drug and a couple tickets for refills on the drugs I already have.  Okey dokey.

But this week I didn't get any new drugs.  The doctor just doubled the dose of something I was already taking.  But she gave me a piece of paper and I took that paper to the pharmacist.  The pharmacist takes the paper and says "Okay, should be ready in half an hour".  Fine, I know how this works.  I end up coming back the next day to pick up my additional meds at the pick-up counter.  Except they don't have anything for me.  The assistant says I just have refills on file but they can fill it for me if I want to come back in 15 minutes.  Sure, I think to myself.  I come back in half an hour.  Still nothing for me.  The pharmacist comes over and explains that it is too early to get a refill on my medication.  I have to wait until I'm almost out of what I already have and then come for a refill.  Yes, obviously, but I was given a piece of paper and I gave it to you and you said come back in half an hour.  You didn't say, "Okay, come back when you're almost out of your current prescription", you said "Come back in half an hour".

And I know this process is probably familiar to everybody else but it's new to me and it makes me feel like a complete moron.  It's like being the new kid in school and everybody else already knows where the lunchroom is while you wander the halls aimlessly with your A-Team lunchbox looking for a place to sit.

Anyways, I think I'm on top of it now.  Stupid blood pressure.

Thursday, 4 April 2013


I never would have thought it possible, but I ate tofu last night and actually liked it.  My father-in-law was telling me about this mock ground beef and I was skeptical.  Tofu has always been a non-starter for me.  I've listened to so many people and cooking shows say that "you can't even tell it's tofu!!!" and that has been, up to this point, pure bullshit.

Recent medical issues have forced me to look again at healthier alternatives, so we rolled the dice on my father-in-law's advice.  And this stuff is as-advertised.  It looks and tastes like ground beef.  I tip my hat to the tofu wizards at Yves, mission accomplished.

It was only this past weekend that I said "Why would anybody want a veggie burger?  Why not just eat a salad?  Why pretend you're eating something other than what you're actually eating?".  So my status as a completely hypocritical asshole is secure.  I'll have to eat those words, and take some ribbing, but I'm happy to have some of my red meat dependent dishes back on the menu.

I realize this site is turning into a healthy lifestyle blog but I promise to start mixing it up.  The posts dealing with poop are tremendously popular.  I'll try and throw in a poop story this week.