Wednesday, 20 February 2013


I have no patience for assholes.  And there are no bigger assholes than the ones that stop up the orderly progression at the self-serve checkout at the grocery store.  I don't like to brag but I'm like a self-serve checkout savant.  I know where all the upc codes are, I know just how to present the codes to the scanner, I've memorized all the produce product codes, and I can bag with one hand, blindfolded.

And I was on fire today.  I was moving through that cart of groceries like a pro.  The guy behind me was practically applauding my speed and efficiency.  He knew his wait would not be long.  The others, waiting behind the elderly and technologically challenged, looked over in awe and soulful regret at their poor choice in lanes.

I had one item left.  As I scanned and bagged, in one fluid motion, I reached for my wallet to execute a flawless debit transaction.  I'm pretty sure the guy behind me giggled in anticipation.  The giggling stopped as I patted my pants pocket, then my jacket, then my pants again.

I had forgotten my friggin wallet in the truck.

I couldn't even look at buddy behind me as I sheepishly made my way to the self-serve uber-warden to explain my predicament.  I begged her to let me move my groceries to the side so I wouldn't hold anybody up.  She waved me away and said "Just go get your wallet, leave your stuff where it is".

I gulped back a sob and headed out to get my wallet.  I felt shame.

When I returned, buddy had found his way to another checkout and there wasn't anybody else waiting for me to clear out my crap.  It was small comfort, for I knew.  As I avoided eye contact with buddy and inserted my debit card, I knew.  I was an asshole.

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