In true sitcom dad fashion, I have assembled my child's crib! It was actually pretty straightforward with very few comedic missteps. I do question the logic of printing the assembly instructions directly on the mattress support frame. I appreciate that this keeps the instructions with the crib forever but would it be so hard to throw in a separate paper copy?
But in any case I can say with satisfaction that my child will not have to sleep on the floor. Many thanks to Jen's parents for the generous gift. Thanks guys!