Thursday, 20 September 2012


I'm sure everybody has had enough detail about my ongoing dental issues but this is what is keeping me up at night so that's what I'm writing about. Yesterday was the first of three dentist visits over the next two weeks. This visit was for two fillings on the left side of my mouth.

Things started out okay. I once again cheered the advancement of topical anesthetic before jabbing me with the real needle. But then things quickly got medieval. The dental dam is not something I really remember from way back when I did go to the dentist somewhat regularly. But I wasn't shocked when they pulled it out. What was surprising was that this thing got clamped to my teeth right at the gum line with what seemed like a rusty set screw. Not enough freezing in that area cause that motherfucker hurt.

And then the drilling. The fine, high rpm drill that I remembered came first. And that wasn't so bad. I was actually thinking that maybe the fillings were going to be the real cake walk of all the procedures I'm facing. And then he changed up drills. This one was a low rpm grinder and it shook my entire skull. I assume its purpose is to roughen the surface of the tooth so the filling gets a better grip. The side effect of that implement is the nearly uncontrollable desire to tear that fucking dental dam of your face, push the dental assistant to the floor, and run that fucking drill through the dentist's scrotum.

I was seriously considering calling it quits right there. Massive holes in my teeth be damned. I stuck it out and eventually we got to the filling. For some reason I thought they would just goop some gunk in the hole and that would be that. My balls completely retracted when I heard the dentist say "Pass me the wedge". A WEDGE?!? What the fuck is going on in there? Sure enough he's jamming something in my mouth that's putting immense pressure on my teeth. I think he might have slipped a spreader bar and a couple vise grips in there as well.

The first tooth got filled without much incident. But the second tooth was quite the procedure. More wedges! And a lot of huffing and puffing and straining as the dentist was trying very hard to rearrange something in my mouth and mouth was just not cooperating. At one point they even had some floss out and it seemed like he was trying very hard to floss my teeth. I began to wonder about my dentist's credentials.

And then came two phrases that you never want to hear from your dentist:
1. I have never seen this before.
2. Well, now what do we do?

 Sweet Jesus Christmas. My leg started shaking and I officially started freaking out. Here I am with a mouth full of implements and contraptions and a dentist who doesn't know how to finish the job. Fuck. But they kept working away and eventually got the filling done. It was with no little amount of relief that they finally unclamped and removed the dental dam. And then my dentist is all smiles and "Alright, we're done here!".

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was all that grunting and groaning and prayers for guidance on that second tooth?

Apparently he was trying to install some form for the filling and couldn't get it between two of the molars. He was sure that the teeth had somehow fused together but it turned out that the dental dam had somehow plugged up the works.

 Fantastic. Can't wait for the next two visits!

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