Sunday, 9 September 2012

Certainty

Few things in life are certain.  But, until yesterday, I had one thing in my life that was an unassailable notion.  A rock solid theory I could turn to when I started to question other aspects of my life.  Before yesterday, I could say, without hesitation, that Ghost Rider is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.

And then I watched Battleship.

I'm still pretty sure that Ghost Rider is the worse movie but I'm not 100% certain.  In order to regain that certainty I'd have to watch Ghost Rider a second time and I'm just not willing to subject myself to that.  I'll just have to learn to live with the uncertainty.

Battleship was a well publicized flop.  How could a movie ostensibly based on a Hasbro board game be anything but?  So why would I even bother watching it?  It's because I read one review, one review that said yes, it's a silly movie but it could be fun if you lower expectations to a dumb, action packed, summer type movie.

I will never trust this reviewer again.  There are obvious Michael Bay aspects to this train wreck but it somehow manages to be even stupider than any of the Transformers movies.  At its most dramatic moments I was either laughing out loud or shaking my fist and yelling at the screen.  The biggest offence to cinema was the casting of Rihanna as the tough as nails, weapons petty officer.  I buy her in that role as much as I buy Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist.  I guess Michelle Rodriguez was unavailable.

You can't help but feel bad for Taylor Kitsch.  In the same year, he starred in Battleship and John Carter.  I'm sure he was paid well but, man, that's gotta look bad on your resume.  I'm almost tempted to watch John Carter just to compare train wrecks.

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