Thursday, 29 December 2011

So this is Christmas.

image

Have you ever seen a kid happier with a Christmas present?  Or a person happier to see her gift was such a hit?

Shutter Island Revisited

A while ago I watched and reviewed Shutter Island.  I thought it was an okay movie with a twist that was partially ruined by reviews I’d listened to beforehand.  I’m watching it again this morning (legitimately through Netflix) and I have to say it is really worth a second viewing.  Knowing the twist gives you a whole other appreciation for characters’ actions and expressions throughout the film.

If you’ve seen it and were unimpressed, I’d say see it again.

If you haven’t seen it, I’d say watch it a couple times.

Winter Driving

When I bought my truck this year, I made some compromises.  The big one was going without 4 wheel drive.  I had traction control, I had a limited-slip rear diff, and I hoped that would be enough.  The first winter storm a couple weeks back had me very disappointed.  Didn’t take much at all to get wheel spin.  Yah, I’d have to get some winter tires at the very least.

But I was much more impressed once I got to Ottawa.  The traction and skid control is actually quite impressive.  Yah, I could get the back end out if I wanted to but if I took my time I could keep everything under control.  We had an even bigger test when we got back to Kitchener.  We were driving back from Orangeville and the rain had turned to snow and ice.  We saw a couple closed roads.  And the truck did a decent job.  Not great but decent.

The CeRVix, with its all-wheel drive and winter tires, always gave me the feel of unstoppable power in the winters.  I laughed at those people delicately tip-toeing their way along the highways as I zoomed past them in the tiger clawed CeRVix.  Now I find myself one of those tip-toers.

Ah well, some winter tires and some weight in the back should do wonders.

Mr. Hankey

I debated whether I was going to write about this little episode.  It’s a topic not many people (other than my sister) like to discuss.  But it’s a part of life and hopefully others can look beyond the baser points and see the humour in it.

So, it was a pleasant Christmas Eve night.  My parents, Jen, and I were relaxing after dinner with a couple rounds of euchre.  I excused myself after one of the hands to go relieve myself.  And it was here, after lifting the toilet seat, that I came face to face with the largest turd I’ve seen outside of the African Lion Safari.

What to do?  What to do?  My own need to relieve myself seemed secondary at that moment.  First instinct?  Run away.  Put the lid back down, pretend I didn’t see it, go use the bathroom in my parents’ room, and get back to euchre.

But I quickly started thinking of how this could ultimately play out.  Worst case scenario, my mom goes into the bathroom, finds this monstrosity, screams, blacks out at the sight of it, and hits her head on the counter.  Even if she makes a full recovery she would always suspect that I had done this horrible thing.

And then I start wondering, who really was to blame?  There were only 4 people in the house and one cat.  I can rule the cat out just because I’m intimately familiar with his regular output into the kitty litter.  As for the humans, I know it wasn’t me.  And it’s inconceivable my wee mom could fabricate such a freakishly large fecality.  So that leaves Jen or my dad.

So it was my dad, right?  Right.  Had to be.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.  Yup.  My dad did it.

But what if it wasn’t him?

Oh my god.  My mind reeled.  What if it wasn’t?!?

What if my delicate flower was actually some teamster with pretty hair that, by the evidence in front of me, had consumed a 30 pound roast this morning for breakfast?

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!

Running was no longer an option.  Even if there was a slight possibility that my girlfriend had perpetrated this affront to nature, I had to take care of it before anyone else found out.

So, I attempted a flush.

No go.

Fuck.  Where’s the plunger?

No plunger.

Fuck.  It has to be in my parents’ bathroom.  Out I go and grab the plunger and return for a second attempt.

And a third attempt.

And a fourth.

Sweet Jesus, it was the unflushable shit sent from beyond!  But I persevered and I beat that motherfucker!  As the last of that unholy creation swirled down the tubes, it was all I could do not to cry out in triumph.

I wiped the sweat from my brow and I did my best to clean up and fix a calm demeanour to my face.  I had been gone far too long for a quick pit stop and I’m sure my battle with the beast had created noises that couldn’t have gone unnoticed.  But back I went.  I made eye contact with nobody.  At that point, I didn’t want the truth.  After what I’d been through, the last thing I needed was to look into my love’s face and see an unspoken apology in her eyes. 

We finished the game and eventually retired for the night.  It was then that I finally asked Jen if she had anything to confess.  To my utter relief she disavowed all knowledge of the source of my evening’s nemesis.

So that was that.  I slept easily that night.  Tired from the fight but comforted that I wouldn’t have to spend my life in fear of walking into the bathroom after Jen.

Thanks Dad.

Intermission

It's that gloriously relaxing time between Christmas and New Year's. All the stress of Christmas is over and there's nothing to do but kick back, watch some crappy movies, and wonder, once more, what the fuck is the point of the Spengler Cup?!?

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Merry Christmas!

Holy crap have I been a slacker in keeping the blog up to date.  All of a sudden it’s friggin Christmas Eve!  Just a quick recap since my last post:

  • Spent 2 grand on my cat to have most of his teeth ripped out (this is not the same cat that I spent $1500 on to have half his teeth ripped out 4 years ago)
  • Wanted to punch the vet dentist for padding the bill with a couple extra tooth extractions we hadn’t really discussed.
  • Wanted to punch Dalton McGuinty for the lovely HST total on that vet bill.
  • Wanted to punch every person who noted how much cheaper a bullet would have been than that vet bill.  Fuck you.  I get not everybody is an animal person but keep it to your fucking self.
  • It’s been a shitty month at work.  And it looks to continue to be shitty for the next 3 months as well.  Yay.  I noted this on my year end review.  I don’t think anybody is going to be surprised when I walk.  Did get an unexpected note of appreciation for my work.  Was kind of awkward. 
  • Another fantastic Christmas party at the Allenses.  I actually had complete recall of the night the next morning too!  Scored another Nerf gun too!  Marks one year since I put my smooth moves to work in wooing my honey boo.  She was helpless to resist.
  • Watched Hangover 2.  Terrible.
  • Intrigued by the reviews of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.  Is it time for Tom Cruise to be a movie star again?
  • Been through a Glenfiddich, a Glevlivet, and have an Aberlour 12 that I’m working through right now.  Man I love that Aberlour.
  • (Nerd Alert!) Hacked Ice Cream Sandwich onto my Android phone.  Awesome.
  • Finished Batman Arkham City.  Boojah!
  • Drove up to Ottawa for the Christmas weekend.  We were leaving at 5 in the afternoon on the Friday before Christmas Eve.  Decided to go all over Southern Ontario rather than test the 401.  Took us 6 1/2 hours rather than 5 hours on a clear 401.  I’d do it again because 6 1/2 hours of constant driving beats a half hour delay of stop and go through Toronto.

Yah, that’s about it.  All the changes in my life have been good ones (except for that fucking vet bill).  My issues have all been things that were still issues last year so, just have to keep changing until I achieve complete and utter good times. 

A very Merry Christmas to everyone out there.  Looking forward to watching my niece and nephew unwrap their presents tomorrow.  I think that will be the perfect cap to a game changing year.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Die Hard Day 2: Die Harder Day

So, Die Hard Day happened.  Yup.  Ended pretty much the same way as last year.  With dudes in wife beaters wrestling each other on the floor while I cautiously back out the door.  I had the added bonus of having not one, not two, but three beers spilled over me.  And they weren't even my beers!

I didn't make it a full day but 9 solid hours of drinking should count for something.  Props to the host who opened up his brand new home to a platoon of sloppy, sloppy individuals.  He also procured 3 kegs of u-brew for the day.  The Bock had a tad too much mercury in it but the other two held up well.  Yes, even the Crystal knockoff was more than welcome once the drinking got more focused.

I do have to say that the spirit of the day seems to have gone amiss.  The movies were rarely the focus of the day.  And I pulled the cord just as the fourth movie was starting.  So I STILL haven't seen that stupid movie.  I'll have to watch it in on my own at some point because apparently there's a fifth one in the works.

One remarkable discovery was made on this day that must be shared.  There was this phenomenal shredded chicken and cheese dip there.  Before passing out at 2 in the afternoon, Brother Judd managed to share the recipe.  For everyone's benefit, it's included below:

BROTHER JUDD'S  TOTAL FLAME-OUT CHICKEN CHEESE DIP

2 packages of cream cheese, cubed

4 cups of shredded 4 year old sharp Cheddar

2 cups Frank's Red Hot Original Sauce

2 cups buttermilk ranch dressing

6 chicken breasts boiled and shredded

 

Layer the cream cheese on the bottom of a casserole dish.  Cover with the shredded cheese, Frank's sauce, and ranch dressing.  Place in a 350 degree oven for 7 to 10 minutes.

Remove mixture and stir.

Put mixture in oven for another 7 to 10 minutes.

Remove mixture and stir in shredded chicken.

Put back in oven for another 20-30 minutes.

Serve warm with tortilla chips.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Whoops

Wow. Somebody is definitely losing their job over this one.

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Fail

Stepped in to help out my brother and sister-in-law tonight.  Took my 7 year old nephew to hockey practice.

Armageddon

So, the end of the world is apparently near.  Madonna is performing the half time show at the next Super Bowl.  And the world weeps.

Monday, 5 December 2011

Clarity

There comes a point where everything becomes clear.  It's happened before.  I was hoping it wouldn't happen again for a few more years.  But it has.  I'm not going to throw myself a big pity party here.  I receive a fair wage for what I do and I don't spend my days doing anything socially or morally repugnant.  I know I should suck it up and keep rolling.  But the thought of doing what I'm doing for the rest of my career makes me want to curl up in a ball and chew my kneecaps off.

Anyways, work's not going well, to say the least.  But, the upside is Die Hard Day is almost here!  Last year was quite an experience and the ante has been upped for this year's event with three kegs of micro brewery goodness!  Well, two kegs of goodness and one keg of a Labatt Crystal knockoff.  Given the option of duplicating any beer in Canada, why would anyone choose to duplicate Labatt fucking Crystal?  The mind reels.  I guess it could be worse.  They could have gotten a keg of Old Vienna.  I'm sure I won't be complaining after the first dozen beers.

In any case, I'm looking forward to a full day of therapy.

 

Sunday, 4 December 2011

WWILTPITFTW

Who would I like to punch in the face this week?

The greaseball, douchebag, hipster who is shamefully ripping off the epic Dos Equis' Most Interesting Man In the World in this Heineken commercial.  Fuck you and fuck your hipster soundtrack.  GOD!  It's stuck in my head now.

 

Friday, 2 December 2011

Espresso!

Buddy and I were sitting at our desks this morning, horrified at having to deal with the upcoming day, and he says "Feel like an espresso?".  That sounded that would at least help in the absence of alcohol.  So he runs over to McDonald's and comes back with a round of these things:



 



 



 

I laughed so hard, I almost fell off my chair.  I'm surprised the photos turned out as I was still giggling when I took them.  It's the little things.