Monday, 20 June 2011

Old Man

I can feel it happening.  I'm turning into an old man.  Not so much physically but more in the barely controlled urges to just start randomly yelling at people.  Today's moment came as I walked down the grocery store aisle.  It was the end aisle, usually wide enough for 3 carts.  I note a woman coming towards me.  She's about 20 feet away and it looks like we're going to pass each other by without incident.  But then she notices tuna on sale or something off to her right.  Does she stop and pick up the tuna like a normal person?  No.  She kind of angles her cart off to the left in front of my path and then reaches over to her right to get her precious can of tuna.  These actions completely block off all three lanes of traffic.

I shit you not, dear readers, this almost put me completely over the edge.  I was a hair's width from snapping.  A sudden clear thought occurred and I could see myself grabbing her cart, throwing it upside down, and screaming at her to have some fucking consideration for those around you.  I didn't do that and it's not the first time I've had such thoughts and wrote about them on this very blog but the thought has never been so vivid and so obviously satisfactory.  The fact that the satisfaction would just as obviously be short-term came slowly into focus.  No need to chuck everything away just because some absent minded twit can't control her shopping cart.

But I can see where this is leading.  My future is that of the crazy old man yelling incomprehensibly at people for minor seeming atrocities.  And I've seen the future first hand.  He's the old dude riding his bike through the LCBO parking lot last weekend who yelled several unkind things at me.  What was my crime?  I locked my doors with my remote key fob which resulted in a small toot of my horn.  This offended crazy bike riding dude and he started yelling crazy things about where he was going to shove my car alarm.

I didn't realize it at the time but that was a message.  That was my ghost of Christmas future.  If I don't calm the fuck down, my life will be one of near constant rage.  Taking offense at everything and letting everybody know about it.  Loudly.  Hopefully it's not too late.  Maybe I can change course.  I'd much rather be a happy crazy old man than an angry crazy old man.  One of those is a lot less likely to get locked up.

Wish me luck!


  1. Nah man - you've got it wrong. The only reason the old dude is old is because he's learned to not hold in the rage. Rage will kill you - you won't make it to be old if you keep it in. He's there to tell you to flip the cart, let it out. Do it!

    Now there's got to be a reason why the old guy was at the LCBO, but I haven't got that part figured out yet.

  2. This is why we are friends. And why we're friends with Jody, too.

    Although, I did wonder how the situation resolved itself in the grocery store. My guess is waiting passive-aggressively (perhaps a well timed quiet sigh) until the woman noticed her rudeness, then having your irritation multiply when it is apparent she doesn't realise she did anything wrong. Completely what I would have done!

  3. I hung a quick right and went down the "International" food aisle. There was a glare though. Maybe a snarl. I'm often surprised to find myself snarling purely on reflex. Explains many of the worried looks I get in business meetings.